Clouds Lift on Self-Doubt

Seeking to grow, to know

the capabilities.

Feeling the pull

of a different reality.

Waiting to go, ready to blow

Out of this stuck place

And into my new space

Wherever that may be,

I know there, I can find me.

If you’re the kind of person (I am) who requires more time and experience to hone your inner strengths and abilities enough to break out of the consciousness clouds of self-doubt, you may struggle with habits and take longer to get where you want to go, but it’s certainly possible. Most importantly, you must take out the trash! Rid your life of ideas, mindsets and people who bring you down. Surround yourself with only those who lift you up and expose you to upward motion (as opposed to wallowing in one place complaining and blaming – and getting buzzed in the process to drown out the inner cries of your soul to do MORE with your life) to be able to truly OWN yourself and confidently conquer the world in whatever form that is for you. (My new mantra?)

As hard as it may be, release what holds you back. The beer, the wine, the smoke….where has it gotten you? Sure, it’s comforting and produces numbness, a protective layer from the outer pain and inner turmoil…but you don’t go anywhere.

The forward movement slows to a crawl.

The only thing to truly conquer is self-doubt.

Where is me? All over the place. Yet so much good is happening at once. I’m learning to appreciate what I have right now, focusing on what IS rather than what IS NOT.

With loss comes gain, and gain comes loss, but the changes are inevitable and allow for true growth.

The clouds of my self doubt are lifting as I reclaim my passions. Passions are meant to be pursued. I’m listening to that inner voice telling me to go forward, and I put one foot in front of the other.

 

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I see Them. I see You. I see Me. Woman Sees World.

Thank you for following the WSW blog.

Follow us on Twitter @womansees and Facebook here.

Gotta Grow Up Sometime…

* pardon any typos…stream of consciousness…tried to find them all*

It’s true, growing up takes longer than we are led to believe in childhood. (That is, growing up in all ways beyond the obvious physical maturity.) It’s amazing to think of how you look at the world from youthful, just-becoming-an-adult eyes and feel passionately that you’ll have all of life’s big questions figured out and all the negative habits you picked up along the way will have also, worked themselves out…basically, you’ll have your shit together and be successful and settled.

It really, really did seem like there was plenty of youth to sort out all your bullshit. There was plenty of time until 40 or even 45 to make the successful progression from novice to master in whatever your chosen profession was that you followed through to college and even started a promising career. Whatever the dream, it is supposed to be WELL within your grasp by now. While some things have come along, it’s maybe not as far as you expected based the timeframe you had in mind. For me that vision included being settled into a career, married with a kid or two and living in the mountains, in the house I designed, living and working according to my own schedule while  making more than enough money to have everything I require and then some, but I actually give a lot of it away to the many causes I am a part of…that’s what was supposed to be in place by my late thirties. I know, I know…hold for laughs.

Get out your tiny violins and record players. It sounds like a comical (and very typical) realization that probably most people come to when they aren’t the dream of themselves they saw in their youth.

Yet experience teaches us that life cannot be planned up to the moment. As a wise colleague put it – life zigzags and you have to be able to zig and the zag with what life throws at you. A path, including and especially the path of your life, is very rarely a direct route.

Interestingly as I muse on this topic and think about it with other people of my generation (those between ages 35-38), we seem to (many of us) have experienced a series of false starts as we embarked into our lives. We were certainly not satisfied with the lifestyles of our predecessors and elders. Getting a job and building a suburban family life was not enough. The idea of being able to do everything you wanted professionally and creatively AND have a healthy grasp on the intimate side of life (at least for women) was brought forth before I was burn. But by the time I matured into a very young adult in the late 90s, I had specific plans and I was going to see them through and they were simply just going to go the way I planned, with minor variations as I can handle being on the fly, but basically things were going to progress and get bigger. I could see it and taste it and feel it in my bones. And I still do but I’m SO much more experienced now.

I have been beaten up a bit more by life and my own mistakes well enough to know how to temper what I expect and demand more of myself. (By the way the 90s were one of the coolest decades and I was coming of age in it. Mad props to have come up in such a time that only NOW do I realize was so great since I always wanted to be from the 60s but now I appreciate my own time period.) But basically, it feels like many of us from this time period had a rocket ship start right out of the house, like way early, so that by the mid thirties it became necessary to “start over.” Start over professionally, find a better life partner, basically a reset button was required. All that we established to set up our vision of how life was supposed to go seemingly disintegrated in the middle. This was owed to a combination of naivety and the inevitable facing of some of life’s harsh realities. So we started over and found what worked better for us and got some things pretty darned right (even if we did it by accident). But in your early thirties you still think you have P-L-E-N-T-Y of time to accomplish some major goals before 40. You also don’t realize how your 30s is the true bootcamp for life.

And then you wake up one morning and your thirties are almost gone! Age 37 crossed the boundary into 38 and 40 is a LOT closer than it seemed seven years ago. What happened to all the time?

Why aren’t I as far along as I thought I would be by now? It’s not my fault is it?

Well, of course it is.

But you know what? The truth is, it doesn’t have to be that big of a deal as you have all the time you need…that is IF you are taking action and moving forward each day. Leaps and bounds aren’t always necessary. It’s in the step-by-step and day-to-day that we find we are progressing. When we look back over the steps we’ve taken, we can then see it for what it is. Growth cannot happen fast. Success and money can come at any age – it can come way early and it may come way late or at any time in between or not at all, at least in the form you imagined.

But true inner growth and evolution can ONLY happen over a matter of years. It takes time to realize life is complex and what you have already done is actually more than you’ve given yourself credit for in the past. You’ve found gratitude, plain and simple.

I see it now. It makes so much more sense now. Far from the campy adages of “you’ll understand when you get older,” it’s actually true that as you continue through the journey of life, life becomes more obvious – at least what works and what doesn’t – and you can truly act as composer/director/president of your own life by making specific choices and decisions that can take you in the direction you want to go and ensuring the energy around you (i.e. other people and your own thoughts) is uplifting and follows suit with your heart’s pursuits. It simply has to be that way. I’ve tried to keep “friends” that indulge all my bad habits or stay around family that generate only feelings of “less than” and stayed in a job that was sucking my soul away. I’ve tried speaking only in positives while internally beating myself up for any small infraction. I’ve held my mind hostage with my insecurities and dogmas about who I am and what the world should be. It ALL holds you back by closing you off from the greater world around you, from the possibilities of life, from the best version of yourself. Your internal and external environment matters, it just does.

At some point one really DOES have to grow up in all senses of the term. I feel that time has come for me. This reality has been screaming in my brain for the past three years and I’m on the precipice of staying put or moving forward. I choose to fly and I’m ready to release the things that no longer serve me while embracing the ones that do.

In this next year of my life I reclaim my youthful wonder at the possibilities of life. I affirm that I have all the time I require to accomplish my dreams and live a fulfilling life. I’m already well on my way!

Happy Birthday to me!

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I see Them. I see You. I see Me. Woman Sees World.

Thank you for following the WSW blog.

Follow us on Twitter @womansees and Facebook here.

Transitioning-Happy New Year!

As we say goodbye to 2014 and welcome in another whole new year, reflecting as we all do, I thought it apropos to offer a blog on this last (literally) day of the year.

We all may be asking ourselves: What have I learned this year?  Am I a different person than this time a year ago?

Hmm.  For me, I think so, even if in just small ways.  A year is fast and while it’s true that a year is not a long time, what a difference a year makes.

This about sums it up for me for 2014 – vivid, active, reflective and transformative.

The journal entry below is a great cap off for this past year…..

~ 12/10/14: Dreams, vivid and comprehensive and crowded dreams of late – yet it’s been doing that all year. My subconscious is on overdrive, churning out the ideas and leftover clutter and sorting out the details and working out whatever it is that’s constantly rolling in my brain!! This year has been one of the most robust with dreams that I can remember. I’ve always had dreams and often have vivid ones, which tells me I have an extremely active psyche – of course that’s evidenced by my stiff neck and shoulders from all this thinking and talking – but lately it’s playing out exactly some higher functions of my subconscious. Getting older, more mature, possibly starting a family, going into the next phase of true maturity and responsibility, being there for others, taking care of things and being of service, letting things go and understanding how to work WITH the Universe rather than against it, cleaning up my thoughts – etc. All of these overarching ideas and thoughts are reinforced at night while I dream. This year has been one of massive transformation for me – really the last few – last part 2013 all the way to the end of 2014 has been one of the complex emotionally and most rewarding, of my life. ~

So to anyone reading this – grab life, give yourself a break while you work out your shit (and we all have plenty of baggage), and no matter what – honor the SELF for you are the only self you have and you can only experience life from your point of view – so respect, be kind to and stand behind yourself.

Happy New Year and here’s to a record-breaking 2015!

😀

 

Opportunity in the Zigzag

It’s an odd feeling when the identity and life you were building has slipped away from you. Not that it’s bad to change, more that things have diverted, at least according to how I mapped it out and took steps to achieve right after college. I am in my mid-thirties (I know, I keep harping on this – but it’s just a reference point, albeit a poignant one) and was supposed to be MUCH more successful and set by now – in the prime of my career, not restarting it, restructuring it, etc.  (Sidebar: Is that what all mid-thirtes people say?  Are we actually the modern day version of yesteryear’s 20-somethings since everyone is living longer and our grandparents had to grow up faster because life was harsher? Is it true that nowadays no one can be grown up until at least 35? That’s a theory.)

But here I am, in that place, and I am stoic about it. No reason to wig out or panic – as life is presenting me with a unique opportunity here. I can choose to see it as a gift and work with it as my chance to ignite the spark rather than do that other thing that we won’t even mention here.

Thankfully I thrive on change, always have.  And isn’t that what life truly is after all, change?  It’s the only constant, the only thing that doesn’t change is the fact that things change.  Everything changes.  I choose to find comfort in that because you certainly can’t outsmart it.

We all like to make plans and have linear goals that go from A to B to Z, yet life constantly teaches us that nothing is that simple.  As a very wise peer and successful colleague put it to me – you have to be able to dance with the zig and zag of life because rather than being impediments toward your ultimate objectives, it’s those very zigzags that can lead you to exactly what you’ve been working toward.  She’s right, and that’s exactly how Life, the Universe, God – whatever you want to call it – works.

I feel the surges of creativity, the yearning to strike out, to make the marks and the statements and gather initiative to take it all to the public level. I know I can do this and this is what I WANT to do – write as my sole profession (not as a for-hire freelancer but solely from my own projects), develop and execute my creative projects into real public ventures that produce revenue, and most importantly, connect people and make them think – hopefully inspire them to open their minds and hearts to greater perceptions.

That is my dream profession and that is why I create, looking for niches where people can tell their stories and read about others. Ultimately it is to connect. It’s also just something I have to do.  I feel it in my bones…I have to write.  I have always felt that way since childhood, which is why I got a journalism degree and went into magazine writing (even if that was a bit of a false start).  I am an expressive person and also very intense, so because of that, it’s better to neutralize my communication by writing. What comes out of my mouth is very different than the eloquence with which I present in written form.

But I digress….

Back to being a TYPE – mid-thirties, false start (career begins, hubby in place – then NOPE, this isn’t right, I can’t settle for this, must make a shift to ensure I get the life of my dreams) and now regrouped and primed for the next chapters – now that I am officially an ADULT with all that complex title entails. I wouldn’t even call it being a late bloomer, because at first I was ahead of the curve, but now, behind that societal age curve of success. Yet after talking to friends and colleagues, everyone of our generation (Gen X/Y) agrees that real life and learning how to be truly responsible and finally get on top of all your shit actually happens in the 30s. This helps put things into perspective. (Obviously I over-think things, but that is how my brain works – always spinning and churning. Hence, I must do something with all this mental energy…write!)

Therefore I move through it, working hard on my mind, body and spirit to get me in the proper state to reclaim myself, reinvent myself and go back after my dreams with confidence, ready to conquer the world. Life and our experiences will zigzag. This is why we have to be flexible as we make our plans and goals and rules, realizing life cannot happen on a straight line. When it zigs, you may zag, but eventually they meet up and propel you to your best self!  Trust that process.

I refuse to see any challenge or “false start” as a step back, but more as a “shoulder” on the fast lane of life – where we pull over for a bit and check on all the blinking lights, make sure the car is working properly. We fix anything that needs fixin’, then get right back in that car, turn on the blinker and merge back into that fast lane!

Blinker on…merging.

😉

The Break is Over!

Taking breaks between writing is something I’m quite familiar with and the breaks got MUCH longer after I “broke my creative button.”  That’s how I described it after exiting the fast-paced, minimal income life of freelance magazine writing.  I had a significant local career going and had juussst barely eked into some national press – online mostly but a little print – when I realized I could not continue down the path I was on, personally.  Professionally, I knew I wasn’t fully on course with my goals but that was nowhere near the urgency of my personal situation – that is, until I changed my marital status.  Things became got A LOT more complicated.  A husband’s income makes a HUGE difference in lifestyle.  It really sucked to lose that; yet losing that majority income is often the price of freedom. It was gone and it was ALL on me – with my $2,500 on a bigger month, tops, me!  Plus, I’m not the kind of person who wants to gain $ via bad karma so since I had decided to leave, I didn’t try to get anything from my ex; no alimony, etc. Just didn’t feel right.  He didn’t owe me anything monetarily, really. I just wanted out, and I got that.

Anyhow, it was tight times yet it was some of the most wild (and fun and emotionally difficult and awful, but ultimately freeing) of my life.  I experienced life as a “single” and all that entailed, including having my own space —-AHHHH!  What a feeling that was – the best – and one I had never had up until that moment…AFTER being married.  I needed it and I deserved it!  It really felt good to have an entire residence all to myself, even if I did have a boyfriend and friends and family coming over often.  It was mine all mine….although the money issues began to creep up once again.  Being a single lends one to facing realities that are much easier to ignore as a couple.  All in all, I have memories I’ll cherish forever from those 2.5 years living in my own place!!

It was also during this tumultuous period that I was falling in love, like HARD, very deeply – with a soul that had captured mine before I even realized it.  We both fought it at first, but it was as inescapable as breathing air.  We had the real thing.  Now we are five years into this amazing love – and yes, of course, lightening struck the same year of my divorce. I can’t help that my soul mate plopped right onto my life path just when I was trying to get my single life established. But worry not! I had my single moments during that free time before heading back into relationship-ville, wink! 😉 As for my dear mate, everyone in our lives sees how our love is real.  They know it, trust it and are touched by it.  It truly is a blessing, but it was a hard road as well, and we really are just coming out of some tough times.

Now on the other side of MAJOR changes and zigzags in the original plan, I am faced with crucial questions and the drive to make things happen fast!  I know I can as the foundation has been laid.

How did I end up here?

How did I end up here? I’m not whining or deeply regretful, it’s more like, how did I end up 36 and not have all my shit together yet?? Not that I totally don’t have it together – after all, I have a college degree, I have a track record in two industries in which I stormed into – and got as far as I could – but have somehow since stalled. I’ve traveled a good bit and have friends and family (for the most part), oh, and I am attached. I am in LOVE and have been for several years now. Yet, my soul is nowhere NEAR satisfied and I’m wondering why my dreams are not yet accomplished when I am staring down the barrel of 40! (Whoa, that entire sentence was filled with dread and negativity – I instantly filter this thought!) Basically, this was all supposed to be done by now – where 40-45 could look like retirement! Wasn’t it? Ok, that’s a tad naive, but still. Why am I not hugely successful as a novelist and savvy businessperson making million dollar deals?! That was the plan and how I set goals and how I planned out my life – from choosing the degree to the first big job opportunity to the husband (that ended up being the WRONG one for me) and then all of a sudden, I realized my “plan” was not heading in the direction of my dreams and that I had settled for a lot that was holding me back. So I left my marriage to get out on my own and start anew, and now I’m still in an overwhelmed place, and now I realize how much I held myself back. I was in the wrong place with the wrong person. We broke up over five years ago, divorced eight months later. I wanted to go and he didn’t want me to and it was horribly hard and painful to do – and I “got out of dodge” to get on my own. Yet in many ways it seems I have not gotten to my “there” yet. It’s been 5 years now – how long does it take? Obviously it takes what it takes. Growth and experience cannot be fast forwarded though to get directly to the wisdom of it. The only way around something is to go through it.

It’s STILL January! :-)

If you start a blog, you have to keep going or you and everyone else loses interest.

RESET – Hello Woman Sees World!

A New Year is a time for Re-Birth, and so it is with our minds, bodies and commitments. Woman Sees World is a place for this bloggers rebirth as a writer and communicator.

It’s STILL New Year time, as it’s still January! This first month of the year is our chance to reset, renew and create our plan of action for the year. For me, this blog is the the opportunity to renew a regular schedule of creativity and connection.

Woman Sees World is here to connect and reflect on the life, thoughts, imaginings, concerns, ideas and wisdoms of women – for all genders to read and share.

As a woman, I see the world from the female perspective, and through that I hope to reveal the mind, heart and soul of women – a truly honest review and exhumation of the female experience in modern society. This is not to pursue any political agenda, nor to promote any kind of “anti-man” sentiment, but rather to share and communicate freely. This is a place for conversation and revelation. I hope to express and reveal truths and insights through the numerous encounters I share with women – to illuminate our roles in the world, and our role in its evolution.

Expect more posts. Do with them what you will.

My first big thought after ringing in 2014…find yourself and act without hesitation. Be who you are and do what you want because if you don’t, others will decide for you.