It’s a bitter pill to swallow the day you realize you are an adult and nothing else can be put off. Everything I don’t have is my fault. It’s nothing circumstantial nor can I blame it on that I still have some growing up to do; no external forces direct anything in my life – it’s all me. I’m a grown up, responsible for everything that does and doesn’t happen in her life. Not just in theory, but for real. And it sure hurts to feel like you’ve wasted time and energy, held yourself back, but you did. We all do, and it’s when we realize it’s time for transformation that the pain sets in, but it’s the good pain, the pain that leads to growth like a fatigued muscle that is weakened upon exertion but rebuilds stronger in recovery.
Tears, feelings of anguish, wanting more from life than ordinary, status quo – realizing that I’m still there, having not quite yet broken that barrier to greatness. I’m extraordinary and I’ve created and experienced such moments of WOW, yet so far my life feels pretty ordinary – not dissatisfied ordinary – just stuck in the linear cycle of life instead of staying the course of strong inspiration to push through setbacks. My trajectory out of school had always been WAY high on the slant. In my early to mid 20s it was like I was shot out of a cannon only to get stuck in some thick mud of my own creation by the early to mid-thirties.
I feel stunted, have felt stunted the last five years whilst rebuilding myself after a HUGE life change (leaving a marriage) and thrusting myself into even more mud by returning to a job that always made me feel trapped, just because I was afraid of financial ruin. I was worried about potentially missing out on seeming “short cuts” to regain financial freedom that would then allow me the real independence of working for myself and from my own creations. The haze I put myself in starting at 31 when I left my husband until now (newly 37) make me want to cry, yet valuable learning has been and still is taking place. I’m on the other side of that time – the big life event/s. When I left my ex, I was making the choice to GO FOR IT – to go for that life I always wanted and could see slipping away from me everyday I stayed in a marriage that I didn’t want to be in, faking my happiness at home.
What horrible, wonderful lessons and growth I’ve had since that fateful time almost six years ago. I’ve been retreating and defending myself, whilst slowly putting a toe in the water millimeters at a time…putting it in, then taking it back out…retreating and jumping in and back out again. I was growing and evolving in some areas all while putting myself in a cocoon of what was safe and normal and comfortable. Before long I had lost my way and my passion for the one thing I always knew I wanted to do with my life – write, publish, communicate, connect people and ideas. I was too busy running a small family business and responding to external demands of survival that instead of strengthening within, I looked for ways to numb out and I lost some of myself…for a while.
Now that I am fully back, and my psyche is surveying what I’ve been through the past few years and where I want to be and can be and could’ve been at any time I wanted, the safety mechanisms don’t appeal to me anymore. All the defense mechanisms and emotional protection in my 20s just don’t work now in my 30s. I require new tools and I am developing them. Childhood, youthful naiveté about people and society and work and money and love and the subsequent whining about why the world is so effed up (while numbing yourself to the stresses)…is OVER! O – V – E – R!
It’s like a HUGE bright Light is glaring at me from the end of a tunnel where the haze has finally dissipated and I can see it, and the Light is saying – HEY – THERE YOU ARE! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO STOP HIDING BEHIND YOUR FEARS AND PUTTING OFF LIFE. REALITY CHECK – YOU’VE WASTED SOME VALUABLE TIME and ENERGY. LET THAT GO AND MOVE ON! GET OUT OF THIS TUNNEL AND GO BE YOUR BEST SELF!!
It’s like a punch in the gut and throat, all at once. Oh the tears, the sobbing, uncontrollably, off and on, for hours as I process such thoughts, and, with brutal honestly, review my last few years and how I let the stress of the world make me retreat. ME, the fearless one who will say anything to anyone and take on any challenge – became afraid of the big, bad, world! And I didn’t even realize I was – I just blamed it on the external demands – but deep down we ALL know that’s an excuse.
I create my reality and right now, in this very moment, I create SYNERGY with my mind, body, emotions and spirit to be the ME I know, the ME I was all set to be until I let LIFE get in the way. She’s back and badder (in a good way) than ever!
The past six years were a true test. For far too long I have been juuuuust passing at life. Not good enough!! I plan to ACE the rest of life!
Stay tuned for more from WSW author (me) and my interviewees!
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