How did I end up here?

How did I end up here? I’m not whining or deeply regretful, it’s more like, how did I end up 36 and not have all my shit together yet?? Not that I totally don’t have it together – after all, I have a college degree, I have a track record in two industries in which I stormed into – and got as far as I could – but have somehow since stalled. I’ve traveled a good bit and have friends and family (for the most part), oh, and I am attached. I am in LOVE and have been for several years now. Yet, my soul is nowhere NEAR satisfied and I’m wondering why my dreams are not yet accomplished when I am staring down the barrel of 40! (Whoa, that entire sentence was filled with dread and negativity – I instantly filter this thought!) Basically, this was all supposed to be done by now – where 40-45 could look like retirement! Wasn’t it? Ok, that’s a tad naive, but still. Why am I not hugely successful as a novelist and savvy businessperson making million dollar deals?! That was the plan and how I set goals and how I planned out my life – from choosing the degree to the first big job opportunity to the husband (that ended up being the WRONG one for me) and then all of a sudden, I realized my “plan” was not heading in the direction of my dreams and that I had settled for a lot that was holding me back. So I left my marriage to get out on my own and start anew, and now I’m still in an overwhelmed place, and now I realize how much I held myself back. I was in the wrong place with the wrong person. We broke up over five years ago, divorced eight months later. I wanted to go and he didn’t want me to and it was horribly hard and painful to do – and I “got out of dodge” to get on my own. Yet in many ways it seems I have not gotten to my “there” yet. It’s been 5 years now – how long does it take? Obviously it takes what it takes. Growth and experience cannot be fast forwarded though to get directly to the wisdom of it. The only way around something is to go through it.

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